


Another

by LavworthMyWay



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Intermediate state, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7750192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavworthMyWay/pseuds/LavworthMyWay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After every death, the timeline would restart almost immediately. The moment Kaworu whispered his apologies with poorly masked calmness to a tearful Shinji and closed his eyes to the current world, he would open them to a new one.</p><p>It just so happened this time round, he was granted an opportunity to witness the emotional state he left Shinji in before leaving for the next cycle.</p><p>Kaworu wasn't so sure about himself anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another

The first thing Kaworu registered was the soft caress of white warmth.

The second was the gentle glow of light shielded by his shut eyelids.

The third was the quiet, barely noticeable humming of his ears.

Slowly and with effort, Kaworu peeled his eyes open. It was bright, but not blinding. His bleary red eyes adjusted to look at the white space before him. Narrowing his eyes, Kaworu sought to find anything that could gauge his position in this strange space. In an attempt to get his bearings he stretched out an uncertain arm to search for something stable and safe. But all his fingers could reach was vast emptiness with an odd sense of loneliness.

Retracting his arm in nervous suspicion, Kaworu regarded this white void with caution. He scrutinised around him in search for anything familiar, only to end up in a futile attempt. A disgruntled groan slipped past his lips as he scanned the void. He did not understand. This was not supposed to happen. After every death, the timeline would restart almost immediately. The moment he whispered his apologies with poorly masked calmness to a tearful Shinji and closed his eyes to the current world, he would open them to a new one. With the exact same goal in mind, he trudged forward with fearful courage.

And now, he seemed to be trapped in this unknown realm of nothingness.

He tried taking a step forward. His feet made solid contact with whatever was supporting him even though there was nothing which indicated the presence of a floor or ground. A lost soul, he was not unlike a blind man. He let out an exasperated scoff at that comparison. As an Angel which was of a higher entity than humans, it had been a while since Kaworu felt a wave of uncertainty and uneasiness wash over him. He had little to fear and little to concern over, though all the while he had no one to stand by him. There was Shinji, but even he was not let in on Kaworu's deepest secrets.

Guilt crawled all over his skin and he hastily shook it off. Now was not the time to worry over this. If he kept walking, he'll probably find something. With newfound determination, he narrowed in on an imaginary spot in the far stretch of space as his destination and walked towards it.

A jostle in the still air. Kaworu’s sharp ears picked up a slight disturbance in the humming in his ears. Turning on the spot to locate the source, it didn't take him long to find it among the stark white background.

It was a speck. Dark and size of dust, Kaworu could not decipher what it really was. A portal, perhaps? Or just an imagination Kaworu manifested in a moment of delusion? A ridiculous thought that it was also stuck in here with him crossed his mind. After all, he had no idea what this void was and what it was capable of holding. He was no stranger to multidimensional and extraterrestrial beings either. If he could stumble upon this place (though he was still unsure how he ended up here), then the possibilities were endless. Kaworu was too caught up in his thoughts and theories that he failed to notice a change in the speck until a few moments after.

He blinked once. Twice. The speck was expanding, nudging against the white void as it did so. With his sense of displacement, Kaworu could not discern if it was moving closer or if it was getting larger. Whatever the case was, the speck was now the size of his palm and still expanding. What seemed to be a dark speck now spread out into swirls of brown, white and black. It dawned upon Kaworu that it was morphing into a shape of a person. The brown tousled the figure's short, cropped hair. The white pressed neatly against the creased shirt. The black stretched across the long pants.

Eyes widening in shocked realisation, Kaworu recognised him. He'd recognise him from anywhere.

“…Shinji?”

Hunching over on his knees, Shinji hid his face between his arms, shadowed from plain sight. Kaworu crouched to his level so he could make out the outline of Shinji's side profile. Shinji's hands were clumsily clasped tight together. The white on the tips of his fingernails and on the knuckles proved rather painful to Kaworu, and without a second thought he reached out in an attempt to loosen those hands, to put those worn hands in his, to feel that human warmth. But it was futile. His pale hand passed right through Shinji's shoulder, and his heart sunk in distress. Touch was proof of one's physical existence, and Kaworu could not touch Shinji. It was as if Shinji was not physically present with him. Or it could be that Kaworu himself no longer had a physical existence. At utter loss, he could only look on like a helpless fool.

Through the darkened face of Shinji, Kaworu's eyes noticed the small movement of his mouth ( _his lips pressed against each other and separated frantically and for a second Kaworu worried that he was gasping for breath_ ), but his ears picked up nothing. Straining harder, he put all his concentration into listening to Shinji’s murmurings. Inaudible breathy whispers washed over the humming silence before it cleared up to weave discernible sounds.

“…ease. I beg of you.”

A troubled frown etched onto Kaworu’s face. The position Shinji fell into seemed to make more sense. Praying. Shinji was _praying_.

“Please, I still love him. And it hurts me. Make it stop. I’m begging you. It hurts. It _hurts_. I don’t want to feel this anymore. It hurts too much to lose him.”

Shinji choked on a cry, and a pained gasp clawed out of him. “Oh God, please just make it stop. _Please_. Make me forget. I don’t care what you do to me, just make it stop _hurting_. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t love him anymore. Not like this. I don’t want to love him anymore.”

Snapping his head up, he gaped above him with tormented despair. Light poured over on Shinji's twisted face and exposed all of his sorrow and grief to Kaworu. Tears streaked down his hollow eyes as he frantically begged for whichever merciful god to listen to his pitiful prayers.

“PLEASE! MAKE ME STOP LOVING KAWORU!”

Kaworu jerked back violently, feeling like he was stabbed in the gut. Horror sunk in his stomach as Shinji's desperate pleas rang in his head like a broken record. The raw anguish on Shinji's face haunted Kaworu like the remnants of a tortured soul. His mind was shrouded with horrific wretchedness at the fact that Shinji was experiencing such hurtful emotions. Never had he witnessed such overwhelming sadness in Shinji. Had he severely hurt Shinji that much? Did he do _this_ to Shinji? But it wasn't possible, right? Everything Kaworu had done so far had always been for Shinji. There was no way he left Shinji in such a broken state. Daring another glance at Shinji, Kaworu watched the brunet stutter cries of agony and sob disjointed pleas for mercy.

Thin legs giving way, he collapsed onto his knees. His eyes burned with tearful guilt and shame. Shoulders slumped over in woeful weariness, he stared aimlessly at his hands. He did not understand. What was the point of showing him _this_ if he was going to start another cycle? Was he being mocked for his countless failures? Being humiliated in some form of sick, twisted joke?

His heart flared in churning indignation and burning anger. If showing him a suffering Shinji was to drag him down in despair, it was not going to work. If it was to demoralise him and remind him of his failures, it was not going to work. If it was to stop him from trying again and again to grant Shinji happiness, it was not going to work.

 

…

 

…

 

It won't work. It won't work. It won't work.

 

( _Make me forget. Make me forget. Make me forget.)_

 

It won't work it won't work it won't work it won't work

 

( _Make me stop loving Kaworu_.)

 

Itwon'tworkitwon'tworkitwon'tworkitwon'tworkitwon'twork----

 

( _Please. I beg of you_.)

 

A deranged, maddened cry tore out of Kaworu. It echoed across the void like a miserable mockery.

Clutching his head, he yanked at his ashen hair. As if to pull out the thoughts of hysteria and hopelessness.

 _Make it stop_ , Kaworu sobbed. He shakily freed his hair from his tense clutches and buried his head into his hands. Self-condemnation gripped him and hissed accusations by his ear. All along, he never asked for anything in return for Shinji. Everything he did was for Shinji, he requested nothing at all from the boy. If he could make Shinji happy, then he too would be completely contented. What was better than making the one whom he loved happy?

But if that was so, why did it feel like he was being ripped to pieces by Shinji's words?

Realisation hit Kaworu like searing ice. His love wasn't unconditional. His actions were not selfless. Was he being selfish? Greedy? Unreasonable? Was Kaworu playing saint all this while, thinking highly of himself as he wholeheartedly showered Shinji with love when in reality, he was as imperfect as Shinji ever was?

 _Perhaps_. A raspy laugh escaped Kaworu's lips. He supposed he was more human than he gave himself credit for. Such is the paradox of humanity, to yearn for love yet hurt those they love. To relish in the embrace of another yet push them away when the embrace became too close for comfort.

No matter now.

He would keep walking. Even if his feet bled out and scarred, he would drag one foot forward of the other if that was the last thing he would do.  And even if Shinji stopped loving him, it wouldn't stop him from trying. As long as Kaworu could grant Shinji the happiness he deserved in the end, he didn't care how shattered his bones and heart ended up. There was a price to pay for everything. Especially for things with worth and value.

Kaworu accepted the newfangled fact that this was possibly no longer just about Shinji. He too, desired happiness. He wanted to survive all those messed up ordeals, and live on with Shinji just like he could ever imagined it to be. There was nothing wrong with that. There was nothing wrong with having dreams.

There was nothing wrong to desire love in return.

He would keep telling himself that if that's what pushed him forward. Raising his head, he took one last glance at where Shinji was, only to find that there was nothing there but the blank void Kaworu was just starting to get used to. A wistful smile lingered on his thin lips. He truly wished there was something he could do for the Shinji he was forcefully made to abandon. But alas, he found no way or method to return to his side. he could only wish for the best and pray that Shinji could stand on his own two feet and find his own happiness within this wreck of a world.

Heart, mind and body set with newfound determination, Kaworu shut his eyes, ready to open them to face another timeline.

Another world of challenges.

Another Shinji.

And hopefully, there would not be another repeated failure this time round.

May the gods have mercy on him.

**Author's Note:**

> It seems that I might have a secret sadistic streak for a suffering Kaworu. And yay for alliteration.
> 
> This was another short prompt of mine, written over a little more than a day. I wanted to get this story out of my head. I'm still working on some of my descriptions, so hopefully that'll improve soon. I will try to write something closer to a happy ending the next round. I'm already working on a Kawoshin series, so we'll see how that goes.
> 
> Anyway, I hope this was an enjoyable read. Reviews are appreciated.


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